Drokk!

OK folks go to your Facebook page and follow these instructions, right now.

*Grab the book closest to you. Now.
* Go to page 56.
* Find the 5th sentence.
* Write that sentence as your status.
* Copy these instructions as a comment to your status.
* Don't go looking for your favourite book, or the coolest one you have - just grab the closest one.

But I'm a bit miffed the closest book to me happened to be volume 05 of "Judge Dredd: The Complete Case Files from 2000AD"...

I just had a thought. Barack Obama and Lewis Hamilton. Both men of mixed race, both recently won the top post in their fields, and both had to battle for acceptance in an professional path usually controlled by old white males... and you never see them together, do you? :-)

Normal Service has been Resumed: New Labour reverts to type

You hardly needed a crystal ball for it. New Labour has finally exposed itself for the sham it always was. A 45% tax rate for non-Labour voters (ok, 'high earners', but it's the same thing) and a complicated temporary cut in VAT that'll tie up small businesses in yet more red tape for a year or so are on the cards. Years of New Labour profligacy, disguised by a global economic expansion, left nothing in the country's coffers to ride out a recession; now the UK's broke Brown & Co have reverted to type, taxing those they consider 'rich' (rich? £150K a year won't let you buy a decent London family home and keep two kids in private school these days) and borrowing us into bankruptcy again, just as the last Labour government did in the 70s.

As Warren Buffet says, it's only when the tide goes out that you see who's been swimming naked.

What to do....

Weird. For the first time in years, I've opened the new week with a calendar that includes one day without anything booked! (Except for the 'compulsory motions' of morning and evening self-improvement routines.) Hmmm... do I take advantage of it to actually get some non-scheduled work done, or shall I take an evening off?

Shocked by my own ass

My word, that was the shock of my life! I didn't realise my own ass could give me such a fright! Well, I was in an unfamiliar hotel room and it was the middle of the night...

I'm not easily shocked, but I have rather a vivid imagination, and I hadn't noticed the mirror on the back of the bathroom door. So when I got out of the shower and looked in the main mirror, I didn't immediately clock that it was reflecting another mirror behind me, which in turn was reflecting my behind. A sort of 'rear view mirror'.

The room, of course, was a bit steamy and shadowy, and the wind was howling outside, making my brain work overtime.

So it was understandable that I thought for a moment there were two bald white guys kneeling close together in the corner of the bathroom.

I'm not sure I'm going back to that Holiday Inn...

Hardening up

Hmmm. The change is small but perceptible: after a couple of weeks back into a brief morning exercise routine I'm definitely on the way to morphing my soft and squishy body back to something respectably athletic again. Back in triathlon in 2009 after my year out at Warwick... skydiving's great, but it doesn't exactly add a lot to your fitness.

Yang Yahoo!s out

Finally it happened: Jerry Yang has left the CEO slot at Yahoo! This guy should never have been in that job beyond 1998 in any case; few people can play the loveable geek in addition to the hard-nosed businessman, and Yang's no Bill Gates. Too nice a guy; no fire in the belly.

The boards are alive with who'll be the next CEO; I think there's a deeper question. In what way is Yahoo! even relevant to today's web? I can't think of one. In technology there is always a sector leader and little room for second place; Yahoo!'s arguably not even in second place to Google any more; possibly as low as fourth. And a tie-up with Microsoft (probably back on the cards today) won't help; merging two mediocrities just results in something that lumbers.

I haven't used Yahoo! so far this century, and don't have plans to. The story of Yahoo! isn't about bad management, it's about becoming irrelevant.

Order! Order! (I'll have the ho fun noodles and spring rolls...)

I spoke in a debate at the House of Commons last night. Yes, really. Invited along by a debating society to a session in one of the rooms off the main chamber, and while opposing the argument I stood up and made a brief comment. An MP was chairing the debate, and excused himself in advance in case the lobby bell rang - he'd have had to rush off and vote next door. So, not exactly staring daggers over the dispatch box, but not too shabby for a Monday night's entertainment, either. Thankfully I didn't take up a certain Brummie's suggestion that I explore the back corridors afterwards; national security and all that...

Did you know that by lexicographer's tradition, the word 'gullible' does not appear in any dictionary?

Fun things to do on trains: add a little wonderment to people's lives by pretending to be someone you're not.

Was on the train last night, trundling out southwest. Next to me sat one of those 'hot but brainless' girls you see on American sitcoms - all blonde hair and teeth. She noticed I was reading a startup financing case study (presumably by the Dubya method, i.e. "I knew it was a budget, there were lots of numbers in it") and asked if I worked for an investment company. We chatted for a bit, then came the obvious question:

"You must be rich then!"

"Well, actually I worked for a big startup a few years ago, and made some money during the dotcom boom. But I spent it all on a trip to Russia's Skylab space station!"

(Somehow I kept a totally serious face - then, when it cracked into a smile, I passed it off as happy memories.) "It was the greatest experience of my life... I'd always wanted to travel into space..."

"Wow! That's amazing! How much did it cost? Must have been millions!"

"Well, they let me pay in shares - it was about £20m, but I never actually had the cash in my pocket or anything. The share price collapsed a bit later, so technically I got my holiday in space almost free!"

She gasped. "Oh god, I remember reading about some startup guy who went into space for £20m! That was you?"

"Yes, that was me, about three years ago. It was an amazing experience! Look, I'll show you some pics."

Now, on my PDA there are some shots of me in a skydiving wind tunnel, including the one attached. She gasped again - on some of the pics my face is visible, so it's obviously me in that 'zero gravity environment'. (It's less obvious that there's a 120mph wind keeping you aloft.) I continue extemporising:

"Most interesting thing here is this guy in the black helmet. Apparently he was a member of the Russian secret service, and he wasn't allowed to take off his helmet in case I recognised him in later life. He never took off the helmet in three whole days!"

She pauses for thought, and out comes the revelation: "So, maybe they didn't want you to see his face! I bet that helmet had lots of electronics inside it so he could look out the window and spy on ordinary Americans sleeping in their beds!" (Yes, she actually says this.)

"And you see the yellow strips on either side of my spacesuit? They're actually Velcro - you have to stick yourself to the walls when you eat or work, to make sure you don't cannon off the walls."

"Wow! So what is it like, just floating around weightless like that? It must be fun! Did you feel sick? Oh my god, I'm going to tell my mom that I've met an astronaut guy!!"

I like to make everyone's day a little more exciting.

Louis Farrakhan speaks... the same old same old

I wondered how long it'd be before twisted and bitter old Louis Farrakhan turned Obama's victory into another chapter in his lifelong rant against white people. Sorry, Louis: last Tuesday finally removed any justification you had for playing that old white-guilt card.

Of course, men like Farrakhan don't want inequality to end, because it'd remove their very reason for living. Such people are nothing without something to moan about. They're more part of the problem than part of the solution.

What these people never realise is that by constantly drawing attention to the rather minor differences between races, they're driving divisions between us, when they should be drawing us together. I think drawing people together - forgetting little things like the odd gene or two - will be one of President Obama's big strengths, and what Farrkhan, Jackson, Rev Wossname and whatever really can't stand is that it'll marginalise all the pomposity they hold most dear.

Nude ballet dancers: watch out for nutcrackers

Even the Royal Ballet is doing it: they've got a 2009 calendar out featuring nude ballet dancers, a potent combination. I'm not ordering one though - some of the pics are of the males, which means for six months of the year any visitors to my house will think I'm gay.

Raises a question, though. Is it possible to buy a calendar these days that isn't nude? Those Women's Institute ladies have a lot to answer for.

All those lives in a poppy

It's time for that walk up the Cenotaph once again.... as for the 90th time, the UK remembers the people who lay in the trenches and faced the fire from hun, nazi and fundie to protect this cold little island off the northern edge of Europe. Once again: thanks, guys!

Lissom lovers in the dreamscape

Another great dream. Last night was a romance scene from a mainstream movie: everything covered and one of those strange L-shaped duvets that only exist in cinema, you know, the type that covers the woman up to her neck but only the man up to his waist. Best of all, the female lead in this nocturnal movie was someone that I'd really like to be in that situation with.

The trouble is, the point of the scene was that she enjoyed being kissed in a certain place - on her right shoulder at the front above the breast - and the whole narrative revolved around what was special about this place. Let's call it the M-spot.

But this raises a question: I really need to find out if the girl involved enjoys this in real life, since it's not something I knew about her. But how do you ask? I mean, it's not something you just come straight out with.

The day the Earth changed

I doubted... but at 3.15am this morning, I knew. When ultra-conservative white states like Iowa vote for Obama, it meant the game was up for the Republicans. Obama's dream came true, thanks to a thousand details of decisionmaking and hard work.

Back in Chicago, Obama learnt the system, built his machine, worked it and made a difference in one of the most corrupt parts of the USA. During the candidacy, he organised again and beat a Democratic aristocracy at first opposed to him. In the campaign itself, he broke through racial barriers and appealed across the board, using the same skills of arranging things in order and getting things done.

If he can bring the same sense of organisation and discipline to the presidency, then he may be more than just the first black, or Hawaiian, or whatever else President; he may be one of the great ones. Another Lincoln. Or Roosevelt. He's definitely got the spark in him.

Today the USA regains its dreams, and starts to live again. Well done, Obama.

Voting machines with a mind of their own

The Diebold machines already seem to be giving trouble... now, a machine failure I could understand, but flipping your candidate choice? Only weird when you consider a senior guy from this company is a prominent Republican. Grrr, what that party has done to the best of all political philosophies - enlightened self-interest, minimal government, and personal freedoms. A conservative party's got to go pretty damn wrong for me to end up hoping a Democrat wins tonight.

Today's the day

Today's the day, America! Draw a line under the last eight years... and make the world proud!

Tumbling through void, with a gun

Wow! WHAT a dream last night. I was the tailgunner on some sort of ancient warplane, a Lancaster I think, and a shot from somewhere blew us outside the aircraft. There were four of us hanging on, gunning away, then falling off the plane as it approached a beachside town from the water.

Falling was exhilarating; I was in a decent arch, and all around me people were laughing, just like a real skydive. I had a strange kind of parachute, an umbrella-shaped thing I held with one hand, and it got me safely to the seashore... where I started running, because someone was chasing me. Free-running through alleys and back gardens, I got away. What a nocturnal adventure!

US election night parties

I'm wondering if I should go to a US election night party tomorrow, like this one or this one.

They'll have big screens, food, drink, and most importantly lots of excitable young American women hollering. And I'm pretty sure an American woman's what I need right now as the USA ends its eight years of madness.

Voting the Texan way

The Houston Chronicle has a useful article telling Texans how to vote. Amazingly, it doesn't give Texas-centric advice - such as 'Where it says punch a hole, this is not an invitation to use your six-shooter', or 'Only vote for the candidates with initials JM or SP', but it's still interesting to read just how complicated American voting forms are. It's no wonder so many Americans voted for the wrong candidate last time.

But what's that about being assigned a PIN number once you've identified yourself, which you then type into the voting machine before voting? "It is not used to..." Yeah, right. Does anybody, anywhere, seriously believe that such information isn't recorded? And used?

My phone just got clunkier

My trusty XDA Exec has been somewhat less trusty recently, and it seemed to be due to an overworked battery. The thing's spent the last 28 months switched on, after all, and rather than waiting for it to run empty then recharge properly, it's spent most of its time being plugged in and out of a USB port trickle-charging while sync'ing. In the last few weeks it's become unusable, dying whenever I terminate a call, so I ordered a new battery.

Unfortunately the only batteries available (buying a new battery for an old phone is true long-tail stuff; never sold in stores) are the double-size extra-strength ones, which make the phone twice as thick. It's already a big phone, so the new battery makes it possibly the clunkiest phone in London. Maybe I can start some kind of retro chic trend.

Unable to jump into one's underwear

One of those things to keep feeling young is holding your underpants in both hands and trying to jump into them. I've done this intermittently since my teens (well, need something to wake me up in the morning) and I've discovered recently that I don't seem capable of doing it any more.

This is really, really sad. Is it the aging process? Or is it my lack of tri-fitness at present?

At least now I have a fitness goal. It's no longer about doing an Ironman or getting my formation skydiving license... it's all about... LEAPING INTO MY UNDERWEAR WITH A SINGLE BOUND!

The last 72 hours...

The time's nearly here. I love American politics, and this is the most important election since the 60s: as far as the rest of the world is concerned, an Obama victory would basically wipe out the evils of the Bush years, and give the USA back the respect and admiration Dubya squandered so totally. But while the US's mainly liberal press seems quietly confident, I still have nagging doubts. From day one I thought Obama would lead the campaign, but McCain would squeak through on election night. I hope I'm wrong; I fear I'm right.

Fortunately, some red states on the Eastern side - Ohio, Virginia, North Carolina and Florida - will declare before I get to bed on Tuesday, and if Obama wins any of these things start looking positive early on. McCain can't afford to lose any of them. But Obama's leads aren't as big as the polls suggest: maybe a percent or two, but that could go up in a smoke of redneckism inside the polling booths. And that's without outright voting fraud (as seems to have happened in 2000 and 2004; it's a scandal that the USA's intimidated press never really looked into the patterns of behaviour that led to Republican victories in Democrat-leaning little towns far from the TV cameras.) I'd say Obama is a long way from safety.

But I live in hope. Let's have Obama for two terms and start the world healing. And politically, I'm not even a Democrat in the American sense.